I can really relate to this. I once had a captain on a ship, when I was in the Navy, who made me so mad, I did some things I shouldn’t have done. I eventually went AWOL to get away from him, as I was getting increasingly worried about what he would do to me.

Instead of getting transferred to another ship when I turned myself in, which was my hope, they offered me an honorable discharge, which was a much greater result than what I was aiming for.

After my success, four other sailors followed in my footsteps. I’d effectively led a mutiny off that ship. This gave that captain a bad reputation, and he never made it to admiral, which he was shooting for.

When I got into 12 Step recovery, when it came time to make amends to those we had harmed, I was told I might want to hold off on that amends, to that captain. I was never sure why, but followed guidance, and just worked on becoming willing to make it. Eventually, he died, and I called my sponsor. “How do I make the amends to the captain, now? He’s dead.” My sponsor suggested going on to the memorial site online, and leaving a nice message about him for his family.

That’s when I fully understood why they would never give me the green light on making that amends before. I found I didn’t have one nice word to say about the man. I’d held my resentment towards him for 41 years! I had to dig deep, but realized he had actually helped me to make a change I really needed to make, and set me on a path that led to where I was today. I really should have thanked him, and so I finally was able to leave a genuinely nice message on his memorial site for his family to read. Just for good measure, I also ordered a Psalm 23 Wall Quilt for the family. A 41 year resentment release deserved more than some nice words — I hope that quilt was helpful to his family in their grief. I wish I could have gotten over it sooner. But, it was what it was.